I am sure that because I filed a complaint against our so-called tax collector (for being a bee-YOTCH) the Township is out to get me.
Just this morning they had two of those guys with the 'stop-slow' signs up the street about half a mile in each direction; one East, one West. They were in communication by radio, sequencing the cars so that it took me fifteen minutes to get out of our driveway. By the time they finally lost their rhythm and I managed to escape up the road apiece, they were gone.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
"You two know each other?"
Captain Stuebing walks into a bar on the Lido Deck of the Pacific Princess with Jean-Luc Picard. Gopher, filling in for Isaac that afternoon, shows Stuebing and his honored guest to the Captain’s Table, where Julie, Doctor Bricker, Charo, and Zsa-Zsa await his arrival on this, his 112th birthday. Unfortunately for the two bald headed captains, there is but one chair left at the table. A brawl ensues, with Picard calling Stuebing an ‘earthbound, two dimensional misfit’ and, after finally backing poor Merrill up against a pool table near the men’s lounge, executes his coup de grace, dumping an ashtray full of cigarette butts, discarded fish bones (from the Catch of the Day) and used toothpicks into the captain’s pleading, disbelieving eyes.
Can I send the IRS a UOU?
If the IRS is sitting on tens of thousands of dollars of my money, can I send them a UOU?
Saturday, January 31, 2009
A sign of the Times
I saw a sign at a church today (they are always trying to be witty on those things) that said,
"If you had everything, where would you put it?"
My reply is that if I owned everything why couldn't I just leave it all where it is?
"If you had everything, where would you put it?"
My reply is that if I owned everything why couldn't I just leave it all where it is?
Friday, January 16, 2009
Are you bleeding, or is that your pen?
This may be slightly outside of my normal posting regimen, but being that it concerns pen and ink I thought I would post it anyway.
Seems in Australia they tried to outlaw using red pens to correct schoolwork, because the color red was "too aggressive" and could lead to self-esteem issues when students do poorly.
Let's look at two words:
Asshole Asshole
Do you find either of these words more or less offensive when compared with the other?
I didn't think so...
How about these:
Romantic Island Getaway Romantic Island Getaway
Did you look at one of these and get all misty, while the other one left you, well.... "meh"?
I didn't think so...
How did we get along all those years not knowing about this supposed 'study' that gave us this tidbit of legislative masturbatory fodder?
Folks, an "F" is an "F" is an "F", and an "A" is an "A" is an "A".
Whoever came up with this is probably the student that should have been left behind...
I use the biggest Pelikan fountain pen made, with a triple broad nib, loaded with Cardinal Red ink. I fill it weekly.
Seems in Australia they tried to outlaw using red pens to correct schoolwork, because the color red was "too aggressive" and could lead to self-esteem issues when students do poorly.
Let's look at two words:
Asshole Asshole
Do you find either of these words more or less offensive when compared with the other?
I didn't think so...
How about these:
Romantic Island Getaway Romantic Island Getaway
Did you look at one of these and get all misty, while the other one left you, well.... "meh"?
I didn't think so...
How did we get along all those years not knowing about this supposed 'study' that gave us this tidbit of legislative masturbatory fodder?
Folks, an "F" is an "F" is an "F", and an "A" is an "A" is an "A".
Whoever came up with this is probably the student that should have been left behind...
I use the biggest Pelikan fountain pen made, with a triple broad nib, loaded with Cardinal Red ink. I fill it weekly.
No Child Moves Ahead
I am so sick of hearing about this drivel, "No Child Left Behind" - where did THAT come from?
If no one ever gets left behind, how can someone move ahead?
What happens when someone is absent from school?
I have been asked countless times by my own students, when returning from an unauthorized absence, "Did we do anything yesterday?"
My response is usually, "No, we closed the entire school because you were not here" and now I wonder if that is going to become a reality. If little Johnny decides to smoke a bowl on the way to school and stops at Mickey D's for a quick McMuffin, how can class proceed without him? Whatever the class learns, Johnny will be left behind.
Who came up with this ridiculous idea?
Now, I am all for helping students who need help, tutoring, extra work, as well as giving more advanced work to more advanced students, but it's an unfortunate fact of life that not everyone learns at the same rate. So, if I am to honor this creed, "No Student Left Behind" then I am no longer able to give enrichment work, and rather than tutor an individual student I must make the class crawl at a snail's pace to accommodate the slowest student's learning rate.
No matter how hard you want to try, you cannot make everyone the same. it's impossible to move forward if you do.
If no one ever gets left behind, how can someone move ahead?
What happens when someone is absent from school?
I have been asked countless times by my own students, when returning from an unauthorized absence, "Did we do anything yesterday?"
My response is usually, "No, we closed the entire school because you were not here" and now I wonder if that is going to become a reality. If little Johnny decides to smoke a bowl on the way to school and stops at Mickey D's for a quick McMuffin, how can class proceed without him? Whatever the class learns, Johnny will be left behind.
Who came up with this ridiculous idea?
Now, I am all for helping students who need help, tutoring, extra work, as well as giving more advanced work to more advanced students, but it's an unfortunate fact of life that not everyone learns at the same rate. So, if I am to honor this creed, "No Student Left Behind" then I am no longer able to give enrichment work, and rather than tutor an individual student I must make the class crawl at a snail's pace to accommodate the slowest student's learning rate.
No matter how hard you want to try, you cannot make everyone the same. it's impossible to move forward if you do.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
A-Courting we will Go
Chatting with one of my students today about his speeding ticket... got me thinking....
Next time I get a traffic ticket, I may try the following gambits (in which case my postings will decrease dramatically as I do not think they allow you internet priveleges from 'the big house'...)
First, I looked at all the speed limit signs on the way to work this afternoon and not one of them said what the units of measurement was for the number on the sign. It just says "Speed Limit 40" - well, I want to know "40 what?"
I was told all through my primary and secondary schooling that numbers without units are useless and as such are always to be marked "Wrong!"
So what of this then? I don't see myself painting a big red X on every speed limit I see but I could see myself in court alleging the fictitious nature of the signs.
And if that does not fly, I have a backup plan. All I need to do is ask the cop how long he monitored my speed, and if his answer is anything less than an hour then I should be found not guilty (for reasons other than insanity, which I freely acknowledge).
The speed limit rules indicate that I may not travel miore than the number of miles posted on the sign within any given hour. Not ten minutes, not five. It is unfair to extrapolate that, if I drive ten miles in ten minutes, then in one hour I will have gone 60 miles.
What happens if I have a flat, or stop for lunch? I'm entitled to leave home, drive like a bat out of hell and go 60 miles in thirty minutes, and then take a half hour break! Same result - 60 miles in one hour.
I have the PennDot driver's guide open in another window, and nowhere does it state anything about an instantaneous rate of speed being protracted into an hour's worth of travel time.
I think it would be more appropriate to limit the speed in units of, perhaps "feet per second". That way, an officer would only need to sample my speed for one second and then could, in clear conscience without the burden of having to predict the future or determine the past, issue a ticket.
What do you think the judge's response to my assertion would be?
Next time I get a traffic ticket, I may try the following gambits (in which case my postings will decrease dramatically as I do not think they allow you internet priveleges from 'the big house'...)
First, I looked at all the speed limit signs on the way to work this afternoon and not one of them said what the units of measurement was for the number on the sign. It just says "Speed Limit 40" - well, I want to know "40 what?"
I was told all through my primary and secondary schooling that numbers without units are useless and as such are always to be marked "Wrong!"
So what of this then? I don't see myself painting a big red X on every speed limit I see but I could see myself in court alleging the fictitious nature of the signs.
And if that does not fly, I have a backup plan. All I need to do is ask the cop how long he monitored my speed, and if his answer is anything less than an hour then I should be found not guilty (for reasons other than insanity, which I freely acknowledge).
The speed limit rules indicate that I may not travel miore than the number of miles posted on the sign within any given hour. Not ten minutes, not five. It is unfair to extrapolate that, if I drive ten miles in ten minutes, then in one hour I will have gone 60 miles.
What happens if I have a flat, or stop for lunch? I'm entitled to leave home, drive like a bat out of hell and go 60 miles in thirty minutes, and then take a half hour break! Same result - 60 miles in one hour.
I have the PennDot driver's guide open in another window, and nowhere does it state anything about an instantaneous rate of speed being protracted into an hour's worth of travel time.
I think it would be more appropriate to limit the speed in units of, perhaps "feet per second". That way, an officer would only need to sample my speed for one second and then could, in clear conscience without the burden of having to predict the future or determine the past, issue a ticket.
What do you think the judge's response to my assertion would be?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Going Atom with a Negative Charge
Last month I wrote a check to one of my utility suppliers, and it has not cleared the bank!
When I called the utility company yesterday, I was told that they were in receipt of the check, but they were unable to deposit it or cash it because their accounting system was not set up to handle a check in the amount I sent.
What was the amount?
Negative two dollars and eighty-seven cents.
I should have made a copy of it to post here... I will if it ever shows up in my online register.
I received a bill from them a couple weeks ago, and as I had overpaid my account the last month, the 'amount due' was listed as -2.87 which is great news!
Underneath the box which contained the amount due was a statement that read, "Please remit a check payable to XXX in the amount shown above".
That's exactly what I did.
I wondered how the mechanics would occur - theoretically, $2.87 should be credited to my account and debited from theirs.
I'm going to overpay a different bill by $0.01 and do this again. I'll keep you posted...
When I called the utility company yesterday, I was told that they were in receipt of the check, but they were unable to deposit it or cash it because their accounting system was not set up to handle a check in the amount I sent.
What was the amount?
Negative two dollars and eighty-seven cents.
I should have made a copy of it to post here... I will if it ever shows up in my online register.
I received a bill from them a couple weeks ago, and as I had overpaid my account the last month, the 'amount due' was listed as -2.87 which is great news!
Underneath the box which contained the amount due was a statement that read, "Please remit a check payable to XXX in the amount shown above".
That's exactly what I did.
I wondered how the mechanics would occur - theoretically, $2.87 should be credited to my account and debited from theirs.
I'm going to overpay a different bill by $0.01 and do this again. I'll keep you posted...
A Penny Shaved is a Penny Earned!
Maybe it wasn't Ben Franklin who said this, but it sure is true! Especially at the gas pump!
I wonder what happens if you wish to buy one gallon of gas. I don't understand where they came up with that 'point nine cents' thing.
Based on 500 gallons per year (average consumption?) that's an extra $4.50 we spend in money that is non-tangible and cannot be recouped. After all, how am I supposed to ask for change?
Gas companies reaped about $150,000,000 in extra profits in 2007 because of this extra almost-a-penny. Don't we pay enough already?
In the early days of U.S. coinage, 'fractional currency' was issued, in addition to half-cents, two- and three-cent pieces, and twenty-cent pieces. But no 0.9-cent pieces.
I hear it would be illegal for me to remove a 36-degree wedge from a few pennies in order to be able to make change for a gallon, and that would be quite difficult to manage for multiple gallon purchases. Two gallons at say $0.999 would cost 1.998, so I would need a point-eight-cent coin too.
And a point-seven-cent, and a point-six, and...
How is it possible that a nation's products or commodities can be priced in such a manner as to be impossible to pay for using standard monetary values in that country?
I wonder what happens if you wish to buy one gallon of gas. I don't understand where they came up with that 'point nine cents' thing.
Based on 500 gallons per year (average consumption?) that's an extra $4.50 we spend in money that is non-tangible and cannot be recouped. After all, how am I supposed to ask for change?
Gas companies reaped about $150,000,000 in extra profits in 2007 because of this extra almost-a-penny. Don't we pay enough already?
In the early days of U.S. coinage, 'fractional currency' was issued, in addition to half-cents, two- and three-cent pieces, and twenty-cent pieces. But no 0.9-cent pieces.
I hear it would be illegal for me to remove a 36-degree wedge from a few pennies in order to be able to make change for a gallon, and that would be quite difficult to manage for multiple gallon purchases. Two gallons at say $0.999 would cost 1.998, so I would need a point-eight-cent coin too.
And a point-seven-cent, and a point-six, and...
How is it possible that a nation's products or commodities can be priced in such a manner as to be impossible to pay for using standard monetary values in that country?
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Ten Items or Less
My parents helped to develop Mister Literal man. I remember being in a Giant store near my childhood home with my dad, at the tender age of twelve or thirteen.
We were in the express line, and there was a sign on the adjacent office that read, "If there is no express lane open, Giant will give you a free half gallon of Sealtest ice cream"
When we reached the cashier, my dad asked the cashier for his free half-gallon. The cashier pointed to the sign that said, in big bold letters, "Express Lane: Ten Items or Less". My dad then said that, since the woman in front of him had checked twenty-two items through the line, that the sign was incorrect and that there was no express lane. The cashier called for the manager, who also pointed to the sign.
My dad became a bit more intense at this point, increasing his demand in a louder voice, to free ice cream for everyone in line behind him. The folks in line behind us all agreed with his proposal, and indicated their agreement verbally.
There is indeed strength in numbers!
As the manager brought over a stack of free ice cream coupons, the smiles on the faces of those in line gave me all the motivation I needed to become Mister Literal Man.
That was thirty eight years ago, and Mister Literal Man is still going strong!
We were in the express line, and there was a sign on the adjacent office that read, "If there is no express lane open, Giant will give you a free half gallon of Sealtest ice cream"
When we reached the cashier, my dad asked the cashier for his free half-gallon. The cashier pointed to the sign that said, in big bold letters, "Express Lane: Ten Items or Less". My dad then said that, since the woman in front of him had checked twenty-two items through the line, that the sign was incorrect and that there was no express lane. The cashier called for the manager, who also pointed to the sign.
My dad became a bit more intense at this point, increasing his demand in a louder voice, to free ice cream for everyone in line behind him. The folks in line behind us all agreed with his proposal, and indicated their agreement verbally.
There is indeed strength in numbers!
As the manager brought over a stack of free ice cream coupons, the smiles on the faces of those in line gave me all the motivation I needed to become Mister Literal Man.
That was thirty eight years ago, and Mister Literal Man is still going strong!
Welcome
to the domain of Mister Literal Man!
If we took the world around us more lterally, the world would be considerably different.
This blog will examine and discuss events which, when taken literally, produce variable outcomes than when taken socially, or figuratively.
Some entries in this blog will be rants; others will be loopholes through which one can save money, avoid hardship, or just make a point.
Comments are always welcome - that's what a blog is for!
If we took the world around us more lterally, the world would be considerably different.
This blog will examine and discuss events which, when taken literally, produce variable outcomes than when taken socially, or figuratively.
Some entries in this blog will be rants; others will be loopholes through which one can save money, avoid hardship, or just make a point.
Comments are always welcome - that's what a blog is for!
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